Right, I’m playing through TimeSplitters: Future Perfect. Its a brilliant game, but bloody hell, the challenges are pissing me off. I’m aiming for Platinums in them – not very easy, because you don’t get told them, but generally easy enough to guess. So, the choice is Behead the Undead or Cat Driving. Theres others, but these are the best 2 in my opinion.
I went for Behead the Undead. There’s you, a weapon, and a lot of zombies that attack in waves. So, fair enough, mission one – zombie monkeys. These little guys are absolute shits. They start off easy, until they start appearing with ghosts, which fly around and piss the fuck outta you, and shotgunners. Now I swear, if I ever find the cunt who taught zombies, monkeys, and zombie monkeys to use shotguns, he’s gonna fucking regret it. The little twats appear and lurch at you, which is fair enough, eay to kill, just load a shoutgun shell into their brain. Thats easy, until there 12 of them. Thats not even the problem, you just run round them, and they’re stuck. You can easily take them out, until bam, one of the cunts with shotguns appears behind you, and blows your fucking back in.
Then theres the next level, where you’re a butcher, and the contents of your fridge are coming to life. So you; naturally; take out a tranq shooter and attack them. Ok, easy enough, except for the utter terror. Its ok when the first couple come, and you load the tranqs into them. Three shots, and they die, in a big bloody explosion. Of course that hurts, if your hit by it. Then they start running, all the time mooing at you. I just about went fucking vegetarian. I have never been as scared of anything as I was of those headless cows mooing. Where the fuck do they moo from??? Its just scary. Then it gets worse; as if the fridge coming to life wasn’t enough; some of them start digging out from under the floor. Now what the hell is a butcher doing with dead cows under the floor? Is this a case that he killed them wrong, and was scared to tell anyone, so hides the evidence.
Last zombie level puts you in a tiny room, with zombies spawning, and nothing more to attack them than wooden boxes. At least I think they’re wooden, or steel, but then they’re pretty fucking shite, maybe I’m attacking zombies with cardboard boxes. Anyway, they kkep on appearing, and you need 100,000 point to get a Platinum award. Each box gives you 75 point per kill, or 100 if you decapitate a zombie with an already decapitated head. Theres bonuses for not getting hit in a wave, or for combo killing zombies. So, I run around for fuck knows how long, about an hour I think, attacking these fuckers, until finally one lands a lucky hit, and kills me, in wave 11. Final score 92,000. If I had killed about 10 more of the cunts, my end of round bonus would have got me the platinum. I was pissed off.
After that, I’ve made a pledge, that before my dying day, I will rid the world of every single zombie, mummy, ghost, ghoul, vampire, werewolf, or undead creature there is.
Theres also the cat driving missions. These are fucked up. You control a single, remote controlled cat, to race around some screwy levels. The question is, tho the fuck came up with the remote controlled cat??? It has the worst turning in the world, lowsy speed, and falls over the whole time. Theres very little point to it, but it did bring me to a decision. I want to use it in a multiplayer game. I reckon it would be brilliant, if combined with a remote mine. Every fucker would die.
Anyway, I’d better return to the game. Those zombie cows are still attacking, and I only have a bronze for murdering them. It’s killing time.